Achieve Personal Growth and Development

The Audi Factor

2010-04-16T18:21:00.000-04:00

I admit it: I am a car freak living in the middle of New York City. But a little background is appropriate here, because I am far from a gas guzzling, irresponsible citizen. You see, I developed this love way before there was an environmental or gas crisis; it started around the age of five. I can now blame it on my father, since he rewarded me with the present to end all presents: a miniature car racing kit!

There was no stopping me after that. I helped pick out the cars my dad would buy beginning when I was six. Yes I was a precocious kid, and on top of this service to my dad, I became able to name the model and year of just about every car on the road, which never ceased to amaze my less observant friends.

So it should come as no surprise that I would be fairly picky when it came to buying a car for myself. And since this was something I have been trying to do for the last year and a half, I am mindful of the environmental and economic implications of my choice. Even though I will not be using this car most of the time (it will be in Miami where I have a second home), I was determined to get something that was fun, maybe even a convertible.

I have been reading car magazines all my life so I am fairly conversant on most of the new models to hit the market. I was also lucky because I could test drive cars in two different locales, in both Manhattan and Miami.

It was a fun job to test drive these cars, and it taught me so much more than I ever would have thought. Interestingly enough, many of the cars that recently got glowing reviews from the car magazines seemed uninteresting to me when driven, or like so many things in this society now, so over the top that the pure driving pleasure I was looking for just wasn't there. I found many of the premium auto brands were trading on their reputation and were not delivering the kind of feel or performance I expected. One rainy day about two months ago, I went to the Audi dealer on the west side of Manhattan to drive a few of the new models. I had read about a particular new sports model that had gotten some fantastic reviews, and I was curious how it drove. Since another customer was test driving the car, I had to wait about 15 minutes for him to get back. I noticed a particular attitude among the customers of this very busy dealership in the middle of a supposed recession. Most of the customers were looking each other over as if they were all somehow special to be there; I almost felt like I was waiting in line to get into a hot nightclub. I thought this was somewhat strange, since I never anticipated this kind of vibe in a car dealer. What was so special about this car buying experience to warrant this?

It hit me like a bolt of lightning: the desire to belong "to the right club," in this case the Audi club, was so important to people that they would not only sacrifice a lot of money for membership, but they became oblivious to the underlying worth of what they were getting. This same need to belong is so prevalent today, and it applies to so many things other than a certain auto brand. True quality and substance is in short supply, since the surface quality of many things has assumed enormous weight.

Has the need to belong caused you to make decisions you've regretted?

Success

2010-04-15T18:20:00.000-04:00

This is what we all seem to want…..yet it remains elusive for many. What exactly is success anyway?

Fame, money, power over others- is this what success really is? One can argue there are certain elements of these factors in success. Did Hemingway have it right when he referred to the "bitch goddess of success." He probably had a valid point with that one too, since in order to achieve success, whatever it may be, there are definitely some sacrifices to be made to somebody or something, goddess or not…….

Success is by nature hard to define because it often refers to some external source of validation, that says, once and for all: "you've made it." If we judge ourselves solely by these external yardsticks, we are at the mercy of some very questionable powers, since who decides what those standards are??? It is certainly not you or me, since these are imposed by some culturally fluid standard. Also, what represented success twenty years ago does not necessarily represent success today.

It seems to me that it is high time to reconfigure and reflect upon what success really means for you and me- to find a formula that makes sense in these challenging times. When I think of success in a substantive way, I think of effectiveness and integrity-and not necessarily on a long term basis. Since things change these days on a moment to moment basis, I believe the definition of success should be keyed to moment to moment activity too. Also, it is hard enough to manage effectiveness and integrity on a short term basis, let alone for an extended period of time. I also think another element that should comprise this new definition of success would be "peace of mind." I know this term has been overused and probably over-hyped too, but I still believe authentic peace of mind is one of the best barometers of success there could be today- and not the least of which because it is so hard to achieve and then sustain. Easier to make millions and billions by any means- harder and harder to maintain peace of mind in the process.

I recently saw the movie "American Dreamz-" and thought it a brilliant treatment of the drive for success at any price that sometimes occurs in this country. The movie was an ingenious spoof of American Idol crossed with a sub-plot of possible terrorism- strangely enough it really worked. It was also a very good barometer of the cultural factors that drive people to do anything to succeed- Check it out and see.

What is your definition of success?

A Worry Free Life

2010-04-14T18:17:00.000-04:00

Please do not laugh before you read this post, and before you consider: is such a thing possible? If you would have asked me this five years ago, I probably would have said no. But in recent times, I not only think it is possible, but I think it is essential for all of us to strive to get there.

You may be skeptical about all this at first- and you might rattle off a list of seemingly intractable problems that are shoved in our faces everyday, things we are urged to take very seriously and care a lot about: global warming, the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, the so-called recession, earthquakes all over, an unfaithful spouse, a very sick friend, the fate of our children; any of which problems do not seem likely to be solved any time soon. That may be true……..on a certain level, but it doesn't need to affect you and your enjoyment of every precious moment you have.

One way to mitigate the onslaught of these oh so serious "problems" is to realize this: there has never been a time and place where the world was not threatened by one or more serious problems, and somehow, someway, the world and the people in it survived. For example, would you like to trade places with someone who got stuck in the way of the Nazi war machine? Or how about someone who found themselves on the receiving end of the Spanish Inquisition? Or how about the joy of being around during the Civil War in America when it seemed the whole world was going up in smoke? Do you begin to see the point?

Don't forget, too, that there has never been a time and place when every atrocity and tragedy was so instantly accessible, either on television or the internet. While the technology we have has certainly made some aspects of our life incredibly easy and freeing(the one I like best is doing business on my cell phone walking on a beautiful beach-nobody knows where I am), it has also placed us in the unenviable position of being always "on" and in receiving mode for information, some of which can be quite disturbing. The answer to this dilemna is to make the conscious and sometimes difficult decision to turn things off- so we can have time free from assaults of evey kind, at least electronic ones anyway.

When I think of the so-called problems that we face in this world, I now think of them as some kind of background noise. I am aware they are going on somewhere- I am not delusional- but I have placed them where they belong, in the recesses of my mind and not the forefront. What then is in the forefront of my mind? The only thing I have discovered that makes sense and ultimately brings happiness: focus on what is happening right in front of my face in the present moment. When I can do this, all the "problems" of this world fade away, as I make an effort to maximize what is available in my life right now.

I read this great Buddhist book called Zen Mind, Beginner's Mind, in which the author Suzuki was talking metaphorically about having faith in the universe-using the example of someone riding through life on an elevated train track, urging the rider not to look down or worry about how it all works: "Let Buddha take care of the tracks."

Have a beautiful and peaceful day.

Obligations

2010-04-13T22:15:00.002-04:00

I have been thinking a lot about obligations these days- and I am talking about personal obligations. How much are we really obligated to another person? How much obligation is good for you or the other person? I think that there are several things that have triggered this.
The first thing has been that I have been doing a general housecleaning of my life. I mean this literally and metaphorically too. I spoke about this in another blog post called "cleaning house."

The second thing that prompted this post is a conversation I recently had with a total stranger at a restaurant bar while having lunch. This stranger, who later introduced herself to me, postulated that the criteria she uses to determine whether to continue any relationship is whether the relationship "pleasured" her. She was not talking about sexual pleasuring either, but pleasure in the emotional sense. You know what I mean- whether after hanging up a typical phone conversation with the other person, you felt good, or you felt like jumping off of your terrace. I have been thinking much about using this yardstick myself, because I am reluctantly coming to the conclusion that emotional stress is potentially the most deadly kind, and is often administered best by those close to us; they are the ones with access. My lunch acquaintace may have an even better reason for doing this: if you accept the premise the universe does not want us to suffer unnecessarily, when we rid our lives of people not making us feel good, we are actually serving a divine purpose.

The third thing that has caused this examination into obligations is a study I read about on the internet. The study was one of personal happiness, and used various measures to determine what exactly makes our fellow human beings happy or not. It turns out the best predictor of whether any of us is happy is the happiness of our three closest friends. Not only that, but the health of our three closest friends also greatly determines the level of our own personal health. This really doesn't surprise me too much, because I believe we absorb the energy of those closest to us. The energy factor-once again- is controlling.

The fourth thing that has caused me to rethink obligations is the realization that much of our intervention in our people's lives, justified by our thinking it is an "obligation," is not just unnecessary but actually makes things worse . When intervention is done to stop someone else's pain, our efforts are often thwarted AND resented for a reason perhaps never contemplated: we are interfering in a life lesson the other is meant to experience-as painful as it can be to watch.

How do you see your personal obligations?

Cleaning House

2010-04-12T07:53:00.000-04:00

Like many of us, there have been some major changes in my life over the last few years. Some of those changes have been obvious, and others more subtle

On a more superficial level, I totally refreshed my New York apartment. so that it has a minimal loft like feel- even though it is a traditional apartment. This process involved doing a much needed paint job, refinishing all the floors, re-arranging furniture, and banishing almost all artwork to storage. There are still pieces of art in every room, but much fewer- and instead of anything hanging on the wall, I leaned a few pieces of art against the wall in every room. So if I decide to move things around, I can do it easily. I also used a new color palette of different shades of brown; and I made it more interesting by having two walls in each room the brown, two walls off white. The result is enough color to be interesting but a very bright, clean, and renewed feel. The newness and change both wakes me up and soothes me when I come home, which is exactly the effect I was looking for.

On a more personal note, I ended a five year relationship in the last two years too, and the termination of this relationship involved lots of cleansing too, this time more internal than apparent. This has been a very interesting process indeed, and experiencing the new playing field of dating since 2009 has been a revelation.

At the same time as these things were going on, I found my friendships were impacted in a major way as well. You don't have to be uber-conscious to know that for many people the last few years have seen incredible volatility in the job, housing, and financial markets. These have been times of gut wrenching change indeed,; times that really challenge us on so many levels. In my own life, I was able to see how these changes affected some long standing friendships I had. For whatever reason, these last few years have meant the end of quite a few long term friendships. While my initial reaction a few years back would have been to mourn these losses and think them sad, I look at it now in a different light: part of a natural cycle that we might not like on every level, but one we must accept. And even if I don't now actually speak with these friends, I feel I communicate with them on other levels because they are still in my heart and meditations each day. It is a poignant reminder that the people who pass through our lives are not meant to be here forever- all the more reason to cherish them when they are around.

These changes have cumulatively left me in a very open and optimistic state of mind about the future. I am refreshed and renewed. I believe that anything can happen, and I am certainly open to all the best things the universe has in store. Have a blessed day.

Schadenfreude

2010-02-23T00:56:00.001-05:00

Don't you love the way that word just rolls off the tongue? Schadenfreude..schadenfreude.

I first became acquainted with this word while reading a novel, the name of which escapes me now. I had to look up the meaning because I had never heard of it, and when I found out what it was, I thought: "Here's something German I can really embrace."

What a great word! And the meaning, for those innocents who are unfamiliar: taking joy or comfort. in other people's misfortunes. In other word, "better him than me." Schadenfreude is the reason that crowds gather at accidents, why people are obsessed with other people's misfortunes, and in general why people spend their energy where it can do them absolutely no good: focused on the fortunes and misfortunes of others. Schadenfreude explains why the media and lots of regular folks are so interested in Tiger Woods' fall from grace; schadenfreude in part explains so much of our celebrity driven culture where people talk about celebrities in the first person, as if they were that person's actual friends.

While we can't banish schadenfreude from the human experience, we can try and cultivate what is probably the diametrically opposed emotion: compassion for other people's plight. I have always found real compassion to be a tricky thing to pull off. I want to empathize with the other person's situation, but I don't want to make the other person feel like a victim, because that promotes helplessness. It turns out to be a really fine line between compassion and "feeling sorry" for someone. When we feel sorry for someone, I think there is a definite element of schadenfreude that comes in the mix. True compassion is usually schadenfreude-free(love that term). True compassion comes from the heart but also from the mind: it recognizes that each of us finds ourselves in challenging situations despite the best of intentions and despite our intelligence. It recognizes our fate as humans to experience all the required emotions, situations, and states of mind: happiness, sadness, "dis-ease," wellness, success, failure. If we didn't experience the full range of these things, how would we still know we are human? How would we know to appreciate some of the things we have?

In this winter season when there are abundant examples of "haves" and "have-nots" all around, practice compassion with all those you meet. Know about schadenfreude -it is a really cool word by any standard- but don't let it get in the mix.

Learning to Watch

2010-01-25T08:47:00.001-05:00

We have learned many things in the process of growing up: walking, talking, riding a bike, biology, mathematics, social studies, and the list goes on and on.

But one of the most important things that we could ever learn, that is, to just be and keenly watch and observe the people and things around us, has rarely been taught in any traditional educational institution. It is ironic too, because with all the people walking around with their fancy degrees from fancy institutions, almost no one is taught what is arguably the most important skill that one can have; to be still and watch without being reactive.

And we human beings are the worse off for this too. It doesn't take much to see how so much of what we do is purely reactive, and does not come from a calm or centered place. Much of our behavior is designed to defend our deluded notion of who we are, which for most people is ego pure and simple. If there is any thread that winds through the best of new age philosophy it is this: without being able to just observe in a non-reactive way, a human being is basically lost, and stuck at a very low level of awareness and consciousness.

Yet not only is this skill not cultivated in most, if not all, of our best educational institutions, but it is rarely acknowledged as even existing!

If you take a really close look at the animals in your house or in your environment, you will immediately notice how keenly aware most animals are in comparison to most human beings, who often appear asleep when they are supposedly awake.

I will never forget what happened one weekend when I babysat my friend's chocolate lab puppy named "brownie." We took a walk to the east river and sat on a bench, but there was a man on a bench ten feet away that immediately captured that puppy's attention. This sweet little puppy who had been so meek and quiet the entire prior day I had him was beside himself barking at this man sitting on a bench ten feet away. What did this puppy pick up that was so dangerous? I will tell you: The man on the other bench was someone I had seen before living on the street, and was probably a crack addict. This puppy sensed something wrong about this guy immediately, without having the knowledge I had about him; it was truly amazing to watch.

When we as humans become more aware, we can sense things immediately too without having to have any actual knowledge- this is the beauty of consciousness. Try it and see.

Acceptance

2010-01-19T13:10:00.000-05:00

Acceptance is such a simple word-but is something many people find difficult to put into practice. It is especially useful to be more aware of this as the holiday season engulfs us, because we often find ourselves thrown in with people from our past, and that can get dicey.

A few years back I heard of this rule that somebody was living by, and I was very intrigued. This person made it a practice to never talk about something that happened more than two weeks ago- that was the limit. The goal was to steer each conversation into the present , and the immediate future, as much as possible. I have tried to do the same thing since I heard about this. I have succeeded for the most part, but there are times when somebody else insists on talking about something that occurred years ago. When that happens, I try to bring things back to the present by saying "that happened too long ago," or, "I can't see where that is relevant to this situation," or if that doesn't work, I might say, "I am really not comfortable talking about this."

If I am insistent and graceful enough, I can usually steer things back to the present by one of the above methods, but not always. And the more I practice doing this the better I get. I like to think that by making more of an effort to be in the present. I am more accepting of whatever occurred in the past. After all, I am reminded that whatever occurred in the past, I am powerless to change it. The only real choice, other than constant churning, is acceptance.

My increasing acceptance of the past has not only rooted me more in the present, but has given me more faith in the future too. Since I am less prone to invest anything that occurs with too much energy, I find increasing clarity about the future. As a result, my immediate choices seem more effortless, and things often have a synchronicity about them that is uncanny. I have also observed that if things don't go "my way," whatever that really is, it is no big deal: I can let it go much quicker than before, and other, even more appealing options, rapidly appear .

I can honestly not say enough good things about accepting what is immediately available to me in my life. What has been your experience with this?

GivingThanks

2009-12-10T10:40:00.000-05:00

I thought this an appropriate topic for a blog post since we are already in the holiday season, with Thanksgiving recently passed.

It is still a time when much is changing for many of us, and change remains a double edged sword: on one hand it can usher in new and exciting opportunities; on the other hand it sometimes involves the loss of things we like and have grown accustomed to, thus generating fear.

One thing is for certain in this holiday season, or in any other season for that matter: we all have so much to give thanks for. It doesn't matter if we are rich or poor, old or young, challenged with any number of issues. It is a privilege to be human and alive on this planet. Whenever our so-called problems weigh us down, we need only pause a few minutes -or longer- to realize the truth of this.

I recently read a novel that took place in the period prior to, during, and after WWI in Germany. It was about a girl orphaned at a very young age in Berlin, how she was passed from foster home to orphanage, to living on her own, all at very tender ages with absolutely no support system. The things she needed to do to survive were pretty amazing, even by today's standards. And the backdrop of the story was the deteriorating political system in Germany after WWI, where hyper-inflation just about wiped out the middle class and created perpetual hunger for many, where cardboard shoes were the fashion of the moment.

What was really interesting about the story, besides the plight of this young woman thrust into unbelievably uncertain times, was the character of not just her but her friends: they were too busy surviving to complain about anything. And of course, none of these characters had retirement funds or owned homes that had diminished in value; those were things way beyond the scope of their reasonable expectations.

What can we learn from a novel like this? We are an incredibly lucky group of people living in the United States at this moment, even with the economic gyrations taking place around us. And we have many, many, reasons to give thanks.

And we have many, many, reasons to give thanks.

Happy holidays everyone.

Don't Hurry

2009-12-07T10:35:00.001-05:00

I have been aware for quite some time that the pressure to hurry through every activity is overwhelming today. This "hurry up" attitude puts an extra layer of stress onto everything and everybody; it permeates all parts of society.

It should be obvious that this pressure to hurry has been increased due to the internet, text messages, emails, and the increased speed of just about every form of communication, except for traditional United States Mail. It is so easy to go on the internet at home or on our phones, delete an email in a second, or click through purchases - or people- we don't find particularly attractive. I have been watching how this attitude affects our relationships, and everything else that we do.

In the distant past - that's about ten years ago these days - I rushed through things I labeled as unpleasant, or bad. I would definitely put final exams in law school in that category, or some visits to the dentist, or certain social obligations with people I wasn't all that fond of.

All that has changed today. When I started to observe the things I was rushing through, I noticed there were almost no exceptions. I observed I was less likely to rush when the activity did not involve another person; I had more control over the time spent. I decided to stop hurrying, and start enjoying the moments of almost every activity. Here are some things you can do to slow down, and not hurry through everything:

Take a few breaths and relax. Look around and appreciate what you have right now. If you can, watch an animal go through any activity and just observe.
Write down six things missing in your life you think you need to be happy.
For each thing missing, try and write a few sentences on why you need it.
If you can't explain why you need any one thing, cross it off your list; you will probably be left with two or three items.
Consider that though these items may still be important, you might be deluding yourself; once you achieve these items a whole new set of "needs" will surface.
Realize that even if those remaining items are important to your happiness, there is no reason to sacrifice your present happiness or peace of mind to achieve them.
Give yourself permission to just slow down and enjoy your life. It is as simple as that.

Try these steps if you like, and see if you can't savor more of your present moments

The Simultaneous Factor

2009-12-04T07:55:00.001-05:00

If there is anything I have learned from my interest in energy it is this- many things are able to co-exist simultaneously. And very often the things that exist side by side are polar opposites, or are hard to explain.

I first noticed this several years ago while eating in one of my favorite Italian restaurants. This is a "family style" Italian restaurant located in Queens, near Kennedy airport.
This restaurant has been around forever, and I can remember many family dinners of culinary contentment spent there. Think dishes like baked clams, chicken scapariella, peppers and onions, spaghetti with clam sauce, house red wine, and you have the picture. But there was one factor that always puzzled me: In an otherwise fantastic meal of authentic Italian comfort food, why was the bread so ordinary? How could the owners NOT know this? I received my answer a few years ago, and I never would have been able to figure it out. This restaurant gets its bread from the widow of one of the former owners. Even though the owners know the bread could be better, they stick with this agreement, and the results: mediocre bread in an otherwise great restaurant.

I've noticed this factor at work in friendships and other personal relationships too. When we allow ourselves to open up and get close to someone, we can experience all kinds of pleasures: physical intimacy, emotional harmony, intellectual stimulation, etc. These experiences compose some of the basic benefits we can enjoy as human beings, and they should be celebrated. And we stick with these relationships and allow our vulnerability to continue because of the warm feelings these experiences generate. Those same relationships that engender such positive feelings in us can also morph into the source of the most pain. And the transformation can come in an instant. It's as if these same feelings-pleasure and pain- existed simultaneously on a certain plane. And by a single gesture, or on their own, these feelings can change right before our eyes. And there is almost nothing we can do about these changes-except to accept them and act accordingly.

The same thing can be true for our investments and our work life. We can be in a great situation at work where opportunities are coming our way, a supportive environment exists, and we feel happy to go to work every day. And then something happens...but that something was also present when we thought everything was "fine." But we weren't aware of it; even though on some level it existed at the same time as our "happiness."

It can be very helpful to acknowledge that seemingly "opposite" situations can exist simultaneously. We are less surprised when things flip, and with practice, we might even be able to head them off with our own actions.

Is Aging Optional?

2009-12-01T11:34:00.001-05:00

There are many different components to being human, such as the physical body, the mind and the spirit.

When one thinks about aging, it is rarely with the idea that some forms of aging may be optional. If you believe we are more than just the physical body, then this concept begins to make sense. If the spirit exists(and I believe it does), it is ageless on a certain level. The same thing holds true for the mind, if it is properly maintained. The more interesting question arises with the physical body. How do our belief systems influence the appearance of our body, if at all? This is a thorny question, and the purpose of this post is not necessarily to discover the fountain of youth. But assume for a moment that we could achieve a mindset devoid of most fear, devoid of envy, devoid of need, and we are able to access this energy for more than a few seconds. How could this state of calm and peacefulness not impact our physical body in a positive sense?

This budding theory of mine would be hard to prove on a "scientific" basis, because good luck collecting enough human beings who are aware enough to maintain this type of energy for sufficient time. These are things I have observed and felt on a certain level, and I thought would be interesting to put out there for consideration. If anyone reading this post has been able to access this energy and believes to have had some interesting results, I would love to hear about it!

Even if you do not share the belief that there is more to humans than just the physical body, you may have experienced attitudes that you considered "old." When people explain things away by saying "this will never change," it's always been this way," "those people(insert any ethnic group) always spoil things or are no good," I associate these beliefs with being old in the real sense. Anything that promotes an encrusted way of looking at things or suggests a hateful approach to any group or individual seems "old" to me, because it promotes a way of thinking that blocks energy. And isn't keeping the energy flowing the real secret to staying young?

The Way Things Should Be...

2009-11-17T09:54:00.000-05:00

What a delightful series of words, what wonderful images are brought to mind by just thinking about the concept. How many of us have a pre-set image of how our lives are going to evolve, the way "things should be." It is nobody's fault that we have these ideas, because most of the time, the people who planted these notions, such as parents or teachers, were well intentioned.

And now let's take a look at how this wonderful concept of "the way things should be" plays itself out in our actual lives, and how much this concept is similar to, or varies dramatically from, "the way things are."

Here are some of the things we are taught that fit nicely into the category of "the way things should be:"

Life should be fair.
True love should be forever.
Work should be enjoyable.
We should always speak the truth (am particularly fond of this one!)
Friends should never betray each other.
Our lives should be "set" when we get married and/or have kids.
People should judge you based upon who you are, not your ethnic background or sexual orientation.
Our investments should only go up in value.

How many of us have lives in which these "shoulds" are prevalent? For many of us, we still give some credence to these ideas and pay them a minimum of lip service. In fact, many of the things that are taught us bear very little relationship to the reality of our actual experiences.

Therefore, I propose a new revised list of "the way things should be" that I hope you find bears some semblance to reality:

Life often appears unfair, but ultimately things should balance out.
Love, true or otherwise, should not have to be forever for it to be cherished.
Work can be enjoyable or miserable, it should depend on our input and attitude.
It would be nice if we could always speak the truth, but not everyone recognizes what the truth is, and many people are not prepared to hear it.
Friends, like other mortals, often betray each other at some point in time, and it's not a big tragedy.
Our lives should be appreciated for their fluidity, and there is no real value in freezing any person or situation.
People will judge you based upon any number of things, but good friendships arise in spite of all that.
Our investments should fluctuate just like anything with natural cycles.

What is the way things "should be" in your life?

No Interference

2009-11-13T08:21:00.000-05:00

I am not talking about a football strategy either, although as a former quarterback in my schoolyard days, I can appreciate that as well.

I am talking about all the roadblocks we automatically inject into our daily lives by unwarranted interference in others' lives. It's time to take a good hard look at our efforts, and see whether there is any pay dirt for us or anyone else.

I thought about this topic for a while, and tried to contrast it to a position I take in my book Monergy, where I contend that responsibility to act in any life situation falls on the person with the most consciousness. I strongly suggest in the book that once your economic goals are realized and you have the ability to tap into the energy to sustain that change, that you are truly a "privileged" person. As such, it is incumbent upon you to recognize and take a stand when evil arises in your daily life, because otherwise, you become an enabler. And after all, what point is having all the money in the world if the world is an ugly place to live in.

I still believe that one needs to take a very active stand in daily life and take action when evil arises in one's "energy sphere." However, what I am talking about is the more frequent type of interference we all do in each other's lives, interference more often motivated by ego(I know better than you) than by a desire to preserve the sweetness and integrity of daily life.

More often than not, this type of ego based interference results in a negative double whammy: not only do we fail to manipulate the situation to our liking, but we also succeed in alienating the people whom we seek to "help." The lesson here is that each of us most go through ,many lessons in life ourselves at our own pace before we can move on. When we interfere because we are "wiser," and are going to help avoid painful lessons for another, we act against the universal energy, which does a much better job teaching people lessons than we could ever fathom.

If you like, practice not interfering in others lives and let me know some of the results.

Perfection

2009-11-10T11:08:00.001-05:00

What a great word. What images this word connotes just by saying it: perfection, perfection, PERFECTION!

How many of us think that things are perfect, that our lives are perfect, that the things that happen all around us are perfect? I don't know about you, but I don't hear that word bantered around too much these days. And yet, on a certain level, EVERYTHING IS PERFECT.

The beggar in the street....perfect.
The so-called "dis-advantaged" people in the third world....perfect.
Donald Trump....perfect.
Bernie Madoff....perfect.
Even your mother-in-law....perfect.

What is so perfect about all these people? Each one is playing out the role they have been given in this lifetime....and they are doing it perfectly. And on a certain level, everyone is happy playing out these roles, contrary to the impression of those looking in and not in their skin.

Everyone has different circumstances in life, but each of us must work hard to maintain our freedom and personal integrity within the framework of our lives. Perfection once again!

So, your struggles at this moment....perfect. Take a few moments: step back and see the universe working in perfect harmony in the world around you. When you realize your interference in this miracle is not just unwarranted but is potentially destructive, your life just became a whole lot easier.

Enjoy your day!

The Power of Loss

2009-10-26T08:57:00.000-04:00

It's rare you see anyone talking about loss of any kind in a positive sense. When you think about it, how would we appreciate all the great things and people in our lives if we didn't know about loss. If everyone in our lives would just stay put, not change, and never go away, would we really like that?

The old saying "you don't know what you got til it's gone" has some real merit, because very often we take certain people and situations for granted: we think they will last forever. It's often true that when we experience the greatest loss, the opportunities for change really unfold. When I was a sophomore in college, my brother suddenly decided to get married in Mexico, so I took a short leave to attend the wedding. When I returned to school, my two roommates (who were my best friends separately) announced they were leaving the apartment we all shared off campus. This left me in quite a bind, because I was staying in school to finish the semester: my social life revolved around them and our common friends. My world was turned upside down in a flash. Walking around depressed and in a daze for several weeks, I happened to pass by the international studies department; this time I went in and inquired about studying abroad, something I never would have done if my cozy social network was still intact. It was late in the semester, and I had a choice of two programs: the University of Grenoble(I speak passable French) or the University of Copenhagen, where the classes were in English. I applied to the University of Copenhagen and was accepted. Once accepted, I had to fill out a questionnaire to be placed with a Danish family. I was fairly mischievous at nineteen (still am today actually), so I fudged my interests a bit: when it came to hobbies I said I loved to play polo, though the one time I was on a horse I fell off! Apparently, this equestrian interest qualified me for placement with a super eccentric Danish family that lived in the ritzy Copenhagen suburb of Hellerup. After picking me and my roommate, another American(Howie)up at the hotel, and showing us their beautiful old house(with sauna and outdoor pool, no horses though!)they sat us in their plush living room covered in Persian rugs and announced " we all go in the sauna together nude." It was all very innocent, I assure you, a typical Scandinavian practice, but from the look on Howie's face, he was about to flee back to New Jersey. Since I was from NYC, I was adept at feigning some sophistication, but let's just say this: I had never seen my own parents naked together, let alone lounging in a sauna! Welcome to culture shock and one of the best six months of my life. So much for loss.

I would love to hear how loss allowed for interesting things to open up in your lives.

Is Lifestyle Dead?

2009-10-16T08:12:00.000-04:00

I am trying to think about when I first heard the word "lifestyle," and I can't pinpoint the exact time. I suppose when the TV show "Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous" was popular in the 1980's, the word "lifestyle" had crept into everyday usage. But I do remember a very funny incident when I first moved into my New York apartment.

A friend of mine from the health club, Leonard Levi, came up to see the new place. He was a pretty smart guy as I recall. Both of us were pretty wet behind the ears and recently out of graduate school. He stepped out onto the wraparound terrace that looked over Manhattan and said: "Bob, I remember when people didn't have a lifestyle!" I laughed pretty hard when he said that, but there was a lot of truth to what he said. When he and I grew up, people just had "lives," not "lifestyles." And I wonder if the current economic "fluctuations" will compel people to have lives again, and not focus so much on enhancing their "lifestyles," whatever that meant.
And that's the thing: as the word "lifestyle" crept into the language, I was perplexed as to what it really signified. And when I was fortunate enough in recent years to travel to some remote parts of the world considered by some to be "third world," I was surprised and heartened to find that people still had "lives" there, that they seemed incredibly genuine and sincere, and often had no agenda up their sleeves designed to further their position or "lifestyle."

Am I saying that there is something wrong with striving to achieve the ultimate "lifestyle," however one defines that? I'm really not sure, but I can say this: when your focus is mainly on obtaining all the toys that you think will make you happy, your energy is not in harmony with some other goals, such as providing emotional support for the people in your life who need it, nor are you inclined to appreciate all the things you already have. What kind of society is created when the "lifestyle" goals are dominant? You are living in it, and it is not a very pretty picture when these "things" start getting taken away from people who value them so much.

It could be that something vey good will come out of the economic "fluctuations" we see today: people may realize that the things they coveted so much are really not all that important, that their "lifestyle" was never everything they thought it was anyway. People may rediscover how great just having a healthy, productive "life" can be.

The Truth About Energy Vibration

2009-10-14T08:51:00.000-04:00

There is much attention being paid these days to the concept of "energy vibration," and how it affects one's ability to manifest what one wants in life.

Since Monergy is a book about "energy," I have some definite ideas about how energy vibrates, and how that vibration may or may not determine what happens in your life. My book ascribes enormous importance to the quality of energy at every step, but I believe I am careful to show the interplay of many different elements in determining how to recreate one's financial world: it is not an easy process and I state this repeatedly.

Although I have never read "The Secret," I went to a discussion group loosely based on the "law of attraction" about a year ago lead by a former chiropractor. I had the distinct impression that most members of that study group were adherents to "The Secret" too.

One member of that group started talking about what she wanted to manifest in her life, and she gave the impression that it was almost as simple as "her wish is her command." I raised my hand to comment, and I said that I don't think it was all that easy. Her response was immediate and a little defensive: "If I thought that making money or changing one's life was difficult, it was only because I was putting up blocks to making that happen!" After this discussion group, about six of us went out for a light dinner. I was curious if the group leader was as dogmatic about this issue as the person who spoke up. She (a former chiropractor) was! I ended up on her email list when I signed in before that discussion began. A few months later I received an email from her, and she had moved to Hawaii and was now selling water filters to survive. She even mentioned about the high cost of living in Hawaii, and complained about how hard it was to make money there!

I have a good friend who also believed very much in the "law of attraction." Several years ago I was experiencing a great challenge in a personal relationship. His advice to me was if I wasn't "vibrating" at a certain level, I never would have had those problems. At the same time as I had these personal challenges, he was trying to save a close relative who had advanced cancer. He did everything and more to save this person, including some very aggressive surgeries, but the person ultimately passed away. Does this mean that he was vibrating at the wrong energy level because something "unpleasant" or "bad" happened to him?

I think that we all face personal challenges and losses on this human plane. The great fallacy with ascribing all power to "energy vibrations" is that there are other factors that come into play in life- all of life can't be "pleasant" or "without loss" no matter how we vibrate energy wise. I only wish that it could!

How to Solve Any Life Problem in Three Steps

2009-10-09T08:12:00.000-04:00

Just to be clear, this blog post will show you how to solve any life problem in three steps; but they are not necessarily three EASY steps, nor is this a method that is guaranteed to occur quickly. How much time it will take is up to you, and the type of energy that is applied to the problem.

Step 1- Refrain from the activity or relationship causing you distress.

This first step may be the most obvious, but is often the most difficult to do. That's because the first step involves identifying what the problem causing issues are, and then requires that you take action. Most people can identify the source of their problems in some fashion, but it is often inertia that must be overcome to start the process that solves what is wrong. If we are in a bad relationship, or we dislike our job, the first step would involve disengaging from that relationship or job. If we are unemployed, or don't feel we have sufficient funds at our disposal, the first step might be to engage in activities that will bring us more money, and to look at unproductive time as something we need to let go of. As usual, the key here is energy, and at each step we want to tune into a better and more effective energy. All the tools we need, such as sincerity, good effort, generosity, no expectations, taking advantage of what is available, etc., should be employed here to maximize effectiveness.

Step 2- Release the energy of the activity/relationship.

Once we have succeeded in actually disengaging from that relationship or activity, we need to make a conscious effort to release the energy that we have absorbed from the time spent in that relationship or job. Many methods exist for this release, but each individual should choose what works best. It could be increased exercise, starting a program of regular meditation, learning a new language, taking a short or extended trip. The important thing is these activities are designed to let go of the energy associated with what we have already stopped, whether it's a relationship or job related activity.

Step3- Rebalance your energy to impose safeguards against repetition/falling back.

Everything is a process, and getting yourself out of a bad relationship or job/financial situation is no exception. Repeated efforts are necessary to establish new energy patterns, Like every other process, rebalancing your energy takes sustained efforts, and may include
temporary setbacks; don't worry, it is perfectly normal. To the extent that you have spent sufficient time in the two preceding steps, this rebalancing will be so affected. When rebalancing is clearly working or nearly complete, expect to feel periods of intense calm and happiness: you are emerging from that black hole!

Each of us is constantly engaged in the above three steps on such a wide variety of issues.
In order to maintain some degree of happiness these days, it is so important to use these mechanisms to "clean sweep" our energy field.

Let me know how these work for you!

Are You Distracted?

2009-10-07T13:17:00.000-04:00

It would be a virtual miracle if you weren't. There is so much being thrown at us each day that we are seemingly forced into a situation where we have to multi-task just to get by. Right?

NO NO NO it is definitely wrong! One of the things we are being brainwashed into believing is that we have to constantly keep moving, to multi-task, just top stay afloat. But if you look into the end product of all that multi-tasking, what do you actually get?

It is absolutely true that you could be kept on hold these days for twenty or thirty minutes, or even an hour, just to change your cable appointment or to report an error in one of the many bills you receive. But this is one of the by products of modern life, where we take so many services and things for granted that would be considered absolute luxuries just a short time ago. We have an amazing amount of choice in just about every class of product; but I don't think we every considered the time, effort or aggravation factor involved in maintaining these perks.

We can get hundreds of television channels at home, but still find nothing worthwhile to watch. I remember when Cable TV was first introduced in Manhattan, and quite frankly while I love a few of these channels, I am definitely not happier now than before these channels were available. But in the last year, I have probably had to call the cable company at least six times because of a problem in my service.

Of course, the cell phone has changed everything. While I love the flexibility of doing business on my phone while walking on a beach with the added satisfaction of nobody knowing this, the cell phone has also interrupted so many private moments that I gave up counting them long ago. And with the advent of more sophisticated devices like the iphone, people's range of possibilities has been extended exponentially. Unfortunately, with these possibilities comes so much more distractions, so it is becoming increasingly difficult to get anyone's attention while actually in their presence. I, for one, miss people being actually present while I am in their company. When I see people in public "manipulating" their mobile devices with heads down and with a shifting look of pleasure and seriousness, I can't help thinking this is a new and slightly prurient form of publicly accepted masturbation.

I don't have the iphone now, but I am considering purchasing the new iphone. It will be interesting to see if I can minimize the distractions that seem to affect everyone I know who has one.

What are your thoughts?

How Is Your Character?

2009-09-29T16:26:00.001-04:00

What a great time to be living in! We are so lucky to have the opportunities we have at this point in history. These possibilities are mind boggling when you think about them.

Think about the internet, and how the world is at your feet while sitting in your own home! Think about the iPhone, and all the applications that are available; it seems that the only thing the iPhone can't do is to have sex with you...but wait, I heard there is someone creating an app for that too!

At the same time that we have these terrific technological advances, we have to work a little harder to preserve our humanity, and make sure our character doesn't suffer. I love the word "character," because it reminds me of something you might see discussed in the 1950's or early 1960's. Today, you almost never hear someone talking about another person's character. It seems that the defining items for a person today have very little to do with character, and a lot to do with possessions or "superficial shine."

I was recently watching a talk show that interviewed one of the several siblings. I had honestly never heard of this person, but I think they are part of some reality tv show. This is what I am talking about, and the vacuity of this person was so obvious - yet people seem to be clamoring for more and more of this. What comes to mind is an old term that caused lots of trouble for some people in Mao's China: "cult of personality." I was also in stitches recently watching a tv commercial for shampoo, or something like that, where an actor confessed that he couldn't survive without his "go to" people. What pampered poodles we are creating!!!

With all this stuff being hurled at us all the time, our own individual character gets impacted. We can sometimes forget what is really important, since so much junk is being circulated out there, and is being given real attention and importance by many people. So how can we stay focused and keep it real? Here are a few tips:

Start to limit your exposure to television.
Turn off, or at least limit , texting and phone calls when "in real time" with other PEOPLE.
Create quiet time each day for yourself with no electronic interruptions.
Try and think less about yourself, and your needs.
Help one person with one thing once a day without any expectations.

That's all for now - have a great day!

Life's Challenges

2009-09-26T16:30:00.000-04:00

Lately, I have been thinking a lot about the challenges we all face in everyday life. For many people today in this country and in the industrialized world, their attention is focused on "the economy,' and when "the economy" will get better. For others, life's challenges are centered more on the emotional and personal plain.

One thing is for certain though: no matter what your personal or financial situation, you are certain to face a continuing series of challenges in your life. It is unfortunate indeed that so many of us are ill prepared for these tasks. Chalk that up to a society that values success at all costs, and pays very little attention to the process of getting anything; results are what really counts. "Show me the money," etc.

As I watch my friends and relatives go through the various challenges in their lives, I am also struck by how differently some people react to the events unfolding in their lives. Panic is the usual response, based totally on fear. It is so rare to see people look at the events in their lives as life lessons, and nothing more. If you share with someone an event happening in your life that most people label as "bad," you are almost certain to get a reaction that's a mixture of sympathy and pity, whether you want it or not. I think the lyrics from one of Rod Stewart's songs goes something like this: "never ever live on sympathy….." I couldn't agree more with Rod's sentiment here.

And if you share with someone events that most people consider "good" or "great,", it's even more dangerous: behind the smiles and "good will" lurks jealousy and resentment. My grandmother was a simple family oriented woman, not regarded as brilliant by most of her family. But she once told me something that has resonated more and more as time goes on: "when something good happens, tell it to the mirror."

In times like these when so many people are brainwashed by the media to believe everything is so bad, her words seem more and more prescient and so wise. I live in a New York high rise that has increasingly become a post collegiate dorm (about 40%). But there is one neighbor on my floor who does not fit that demographic, she is definitely a long way out of college. We have always politely chatted when meeting in the hall or elevator. Yesterday she announced to me that her birthday was coming up. Before I could ask, she volunteered that she was going to be 94. I told her she could pass for 65, and I meant it; she is so sprightly.

I then asked her the obvious question, tongue in cheek: "what's your secret?" She responded without skipping a beat: "I get up every morning!"

All the best boys and girls, enjoy the rest of this beautiful fall.

Could It All Be Just An Ilusion?

2009-09-17T18:34:00.000-04:00

There's this funky song from the 80's or 90's, whose main lyrics go something like this:
"Could it be that, it's just an illusion, in all this confusion?

Increasingly I think that this is the absolute truth. Especially in these times, when each of us is subjected to an assault of so much information each day(much of it unsolicited), and some of us seem eager to spend more and more time on the receiving end of all kinds of electronic and high tech stimulation.

When I take a step back, this is what I feel: So much of what we are subjected to is just so strange and bizarre, that there is ABSOLUTELY NO WAY, that this is my reality, or a reality I want to live in…..lol. The information we are being "sold" is often so contentious, so ego-centric and more often than not amounts to what I like to call a "cult of personality or eccentricity" that is being thrown in our face.

I have been thinking about this for a long time, but this post was prompted by a conversation I had last week with someone. She asked me my opinion on the arrest of the Harvard professor in his home, and she was implying that Obama acted unwisely by initially labeling the police activity "stupid." She then told me that this controversy really had "legs." My response was that I was not that interested in this "controversy," though I knew it was going on. In a way, it was just an illusion, where the attitude of the police and the Harvard professor both probably contributed to the situation; it became a pissing match.
Nothing really new there for me, but for this other person, this "controversy," this external event was very important to her. Just think about the amount of time and money that was consumed by churning this event- I wonder if that time and money could be put to better use.

I am reminded of an old Buddhist saying of: "don't give so much to the external." What this means to me is : make your internal life very strong and don't give so much weight to how things "appear," since form is basically a changeable illusion that masks what is really happening. In this day and age when we are bombarded with so much negativity, and the expectation is that we should absorb it all, I often pull back internally, try not to give so much weight to "what is happening out there," and try to simply enjoy my life every day.

What are your thoughts on this?

Too Much Brainpower

2009-09-15T01:20:00.002-04:00

A funny title for a blog post, isn't it? I have been thinking about this for some time and wanted to explore this issue.

The idea of "too much brain power" came to me because I have been splitting my time between NYC and Miami (mostly NYC though). When I am in Miami, it dawned on me that things just feel differently there. One of the things most striking is that you don't sense all the complications you sometimes feel in NYC. And when you go to do things in your normal daily routine, you are not met with all the self-styled "geniuses" you find in NYC. Of course, Miami is a tropical place and that does affect the casual nature of things. And btw, I would never say that people are stupid in Miami; it's just that their demeanor and identity are not so wrapped up in their intelligence. And funny enough, even though the Miami real estate market has and continues to take quite a tumble, when I return to NYC after spending time in Miami, I am amazed at how much more people complain about the economy.

The idea of "too much brain power" was also spawned by several recent national events. During the last presidential election and the recent "economic meltdown," we have been treated to all kinds of "experts" weighing in on these issues. We are all familiar with the political experts who were cranking up the heat during the long and tumultuous primary campaign. And some of the same "experts" were called out to explain the fluctuations in our economy that we have seen over the last eight or nine months. One thing is for certain though: very few of these "experts" with all their credentials have taken the position that the recent fluctuations in our economy were part of a natural cycle that was, in one way or another, inevitable. Most of these people were looking to blame SOMEBODY, because after all, isn't that the way things work? Either the big banks were to blame with their irresponsible lending practices, or the consumers living over their heads were to blame. It doesn't seem to have dawned on too many people that EVERYTHING DOESN'T ALWAYS GO UP.

This idea is probably not so popular because it doesn't take a Harvard MBA or a government "expert" to figure out.

All the best to you people out there: stay positive!

Just be

2009-09-08T16:26:00.000-04:00

The conditioning starts right from the cradle: you will be happy when(fill in the blank). That blank can be: get out of kindergarten, get to high school, grow a beard, lose your virginity, get a car, get into your dream college, get that dream job, marry your "sweetheart," get that loft downtown, have two kids, etc. etc.

The list is endless, and there are very few people who are actually taught to be happy by just being. Some people are fortunate enough to realize that these external things, people or events, when achieved, don't actually make us happy for more than an instant. For most people though, there is always something "more" just on the horizon that is really going to do it, to make us happy.

It's a formula for chronic discontent, which is exactly what is cultivated in our society these days. This explains in part why people have reacted so dramatically to the changes in the overall economy: it's fear that they won't have those things that they think will make them happy. Few remember or care to focus on the fact that a few years ago, before the "economic crisis," when all those things were readily available, chronic discontent was still the name of the game, because there was always something "more" to want, there was always someone with a shinier car or a bigger McMansion down the block. The famous performance artist Spalding Gray was coaxed by friends to move from a small vacation house he loved in Sag Harbor, NY to a huge modern "mansion" in Sagaponack. The argument was that someone as "successful" as him "deserved" and "should" live in a more splendid place. He listened to these friends, and plunged into a depression when he actually moved into that cold modern "masterpiece."

If there is a lesson to be learned from the economic gyrations we have seen, it could be this: work hard to make your dreams come true(that is the only way to make them happen, after all). But don't think that the achievement of any one goal is the key to your happiness; every one of us has the ingredients for happiness RIGHT NOW in our lives, and it is incumbent upon us to cherish the people and things in our lives that we have at this moment.. You can move halfway around the world to get away from your life issues, you could get rid of a "difficult" spouse, but it doesn't always help; Change can indeed be good, but it is not always the panacea we think. There is a great Buddhist saying that goes something like this: wherever you go, there you are!

Enjoy the skin you are in!